Medi-JOKES

If you need to brighten up your day a little, check out this page from time to time...

Gone Crazy

I drove past our local cemetery the other day and saw a hearse parked just inside the gate with a couple of guys carefully lifting out a coffin. When I went past again some time later they were still carrying the coffin, walking on the other side of the graveyard.

It appeared to me that they had lost the plot!



Hairy Problem

One of the guys in our office recently received a text (obviously sent to the wrong number) saying “Hello Suzy, this is the confirmation that your next wax appointment is booked.”

He took a photo of his leg and returned the picture with “Thanks I can’t wait!”

They quickly sent back an apology. 



Colourful Career

I have tried several careers. Imagine my surprise when now working as a recovery nurse, a patient woke after surgery and called out, "What are you doing? You just helped me choose our interior paint colours!"



Payment Assured

At a new dentist I was given a couple of forms to fill out. As I signed the first one, I joked with the receptionist: "Suppose this says that even if you pull my head off, I can’t sue?"

"No,” she says, “That’s on the next sheet - this one guarantees you still pay us."



Bad Repeat

The other day I went for another blood test and warned the nurse that my veins are not easy to find.

“Oh, you should be fine” she confidently says. “It can’t be worse than this, last year I had a guy come in which I had to stick multiple times in four places before getting anything at all!”

“Yes I know, that was me!”



Not Too Far

A patient was filling out a form in our surgery the other day and one of the questions was "Nearest relative?"

She put "Walking distance."



Problem Solved

Suffering from a simple cold, a hypochondriac visits his doctor and asks to be healed.

The doctor says "Go home, take a hot bath, open your window and then stand in the breeze."

"But I’ll get pneumonia!" the patient protests.

"I know. That I can cure."



Deadly Bite

Two guys were hiking in the woods when one was bitten on the rear by a snake. The other urgently calls a doctor who tells him to “Get a knife, cut a little X where the bite is and suck out the poison.”

His friend, who is in agony calls out “What did the doctor say?”

“He says you’re going to die.”



The Call

Doing her rounds, a new nurse couldn’t help overhearing the surgeon saying, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!"

"Why does he keep doing that?" she asked a colleague.

"Oh, he always calls the shots around here."



Good News

The Doctor asks his patient, "What do you want first, the good news or the bad news?"

The patient replies, "Give me the good news."

The Doctor says, "You’re about to have a disease named after you."



Bracelet

As I was admitted to the hospital, the clerk asked for my wrist, saying, "I’m going to give you a bracelet."

"Has it got rubies and diamonds?" I asked lightly.

"No," he said. "But it will cost nearly as much."



Bad Luck Name

I went to an Army Medical Centre for a heart bypass operation and discovered my surgeon’s name was Dr. Error.

"What a name for a doctor," I said, not sure whether to laugh or cry.

"Yes," he agreed. "You can imagine the reactions I had when I was a Major."




Other related categories